Living apart within a marriage can be challenging and has both advantages and disadvantages. Before you decide to pursue this arrangement, consider the implications for all involved and weigh the benefits versus potential problems.
It’s a bit unusual. Unconventional. Maybe uncommon.
But my husband and I are married but living apart.
Choose your love, love your choiceThomas S. Monson
Let me give you our background story…
My husband joined the British Army years before we met. When we had ‘the talk’ and got serious, we decided that me and my daughter (he’s not her biological father) would stay living in South Wales and he would move around the UK with work.
He would return home most weekends.
It was great! To start with.
Pro: Increased independence
One of the main advantages of being married but living apart is increased independence and autonomy. When couples live together, they are constantly having to think about the needs of the other person. When living separately, partners don’t have to worry about this, allowing them to focus on their own interests and goals while still being connected through their marriage.
Living apart can give married couples the freedom to do what they want without having to compromise with their partner all the time. What I mean by this is I was used to handling a mum’s life and taking care of a home on my own. I could still have my own routine and do things on my own, with my daughter, friends and family, without having to think about it.
The weekends he would come home were precious moments we had – so we would make the most of it…like a constant ‘honeymoon period’. After a couple of years, we got married and had a baby. But still remained living apart.
Con: Decreased time together and as a family
One of the main disadvantages of being married but living apart is the obvious one: decreased time spent together and as a family. Living with your partner gives you more opportunities to engage in activities together and spend quality time as a couple and as a family.
Yes our weekends were precious and we would try to make good use of them. But sometimes there would be an occasion I would want to go to with friends, and I would feel guilty for spending time with them and not with my husband. There was one occasion where he came home on a Friday evening and I left for Scotland on Saturday morning. We hadn’t really seen each other all weekend!
In addition,when married couples live separately, they miss out on day-to-day experiences such as sharing meals or just spending time talking about each other’s day. Thank god for Facetime! We would video call each other everday. But it’s not the same as sitting together and talking about our day, work worries, excitement for something etc
Plus he would often miss out on our children’s milestones. School concerts, parent’s evenings, eating solid food for the first time, taking first steps independently. Things you would normally turn to your partner straight away and share the emotion with.
We decided if he had a posting abroad, we would all move together.
The posting came! He was offered a position in the Czech Republic for 2 years.
That’s where we are currently living. It’s amazing. And I love living with my husband 😂
Will we continue to be married but living apart?
I don’t know is the answer to this question. We will cross that bridge when we move back to the UK…will we stay living together and continue to move around the UK with him? Or will me and the kids go back to South Wales?
Only time will tell
Being married but living apart has worked for us. It hasn’t worked for us on some days too. The same goes for living together. Some days we love it while other days we want to strangle each other.
All I can say is, you don’t need to follow societal norms. Do what is right for you and your family.